The Big 5 - The Eurovision Final

Well they are the only songs that I haven't heard yet so I'm going to just post my comments on them since my opinions haven't really changed for the other songs.

France. This was a pretty good song, but I wouldn't have said that it was a winner. I just don't think that it would have reached enough people to do really well.

Italy. I was very, very wrong. This wasn't a crap song at all and I now think that it thoroughly deserved to do well. I guess they just chose the crappest section of the song to play or something the last two nights.

UK. So the boyband's song is technically a song for the World Cup, but since England didn't give the people who decided who would host knighthoods and money I guess they figured that they needed to try and recoup some of their losses with a song that I don't find interesting at all.

Germany. Lena again. This time singing a more serious song which isn't as fun as 'Satellite'. If this wasn't being sung in Eurovision people would be commenting that it represents her maturing into a more serious singer or something, at Eurovision with Germany hosting it comes off as more "we don't want to win but we don't want to make that obvious". It ended up coming 10th according to the BBC. She still does jump around the English speaking world when it comes to her singing accent though.

Spain. It's not a horrible song, but it is one that I wouldn't have said had a chance at winning even if I hadn't learned the results before watching them perform.

Eurovision Semi Final 2

And this is the one for the second semi final.

There seems to be a bit more German in this one.

Good old fake miniaturisation, it does give a strange look for Germany.

Bosnia and Herzegovina. For a guy like Dino I wasn't expecting that kind of music. Nice to see the double bass player can play two instruments. I wonder if the triangle requires as much training as the bass. On to the lyrics: 1 to 100/ times by two/ these lyrics are stupid/ but not the tune.
Wave to the audience double bass player and show us that you aren't actually playing on stage.

Austria. Will their phrase be in the Austrian dialect? And will I be able to understand it? The answers: Not that I can tell, Yes. Now we listen to their power ballad. They've gone with the whole "single pretty girl on stage" thing that Lena used very well to win. Except Lena had a fun catchy song whereas Austria see, to be taking this really seriously what with the coating the stage in dry ice thing. Stop being so serious Austria. But then they might win.

The Netherlands. It's another song that I don't care about. Well I think I'll do other things like write "Bosnia and Herzegovina” or run this post through a spell checker since Firefox 4 doesn't seem to have a UK or Australian English dictionary.

Belgium. Ooh another a Capella band. Nice to see German shown on their postcard thing considering that it is an official language of that country. I'm starting to think that Eurovision sucks the life out of songs. I normally like a Capella but I don't really like this, I mean if I had a choice between this and say, Finland's song from yesterday, then I'm going to go with this.

Slovakia. Hang on... you can go surfing in Germany? Really? Since when? Twins. A band name that was chosen because they couldn't be bothered coming up with a proper name. Then again they are good looking so I can forgive the crappy name. I haven't seen any out of place flags tonight, like the Mexican one yesterday. Quickly checking to see if they got through told me that they didn't and that their name is actually TWiiNS which I assume means that they have a sponsorship deal with Nintendo or something.

Oh God the Ukraine. They aren't surprising me with their costume though. And boo Julia, I don't care if Kseniya swam at Manly.

Ukraine. Actually I change my mind; I was expecting the weird shit from them like they had in the last couple of years. Instead it's pretty good song with some interesting sand art that makes up the background.

Moldova. Hey, they've chosen costumes in the style of their eastern neighbour. Except that they aren't weird enough. The song is ok I guess. But I can't get over those hats. Do they need planning permits for them? Or are their reads really shaped like that? And why do we need to know that the lead singer has a monocle.

Sweden. Hmm... Vikings in Köln. I really want to know what that is for. You'll be popular? I'm sure having a giant pokèball on the screen will really make you popular with the ladies. It could be worse though, I could be watching Justin Bieber. I get the feeling that Sweden don't really care this year. See they've just put their singer back in his box for easy transportation back to Sweden.

Cyprus. Another breakup song. Only with traditional instruments. They have weird dancing sperm on the screen. And a girl who is armed with a morning star that isn't spikey. Is she now covered in snakes? Does that count as a costume change?

Bulgaria. Another non-English song. There aren't enough of them in Eurovision. It's also like listening to Pink or P!nk or however it is she spells her name only in Bulgarian.

Macedonia or as Eurovision puts it FYR Macedonia. I think that is what they call interpretive dance. I think. I find this song to be tolerable. Hey an accordion. And then the song turns into some kind of fusion of traditional Slavic music with modern music.

Israel. Will they get through and be guaranteed points from Germany? I don't know considering that their song is called 'Ding Dong'. And now I hear her sing and I say, no. She isn't going to get through. This is a terrible song. Since I can't be bothered with this song I'm going to give a little fun fact. Did you know that the reason the Republic of Macedonia was known as FYROM was because of an issue with the Greeks over the name.

Slovenia. Ooh. Piano-y. The lyrics are quite mainstream. This song will get through. And I think it might do quite well.

Romania. Julia says the song is catchy. is she right? The answer at the end of this section. The music is definitely catchy. The lyrics are very Eurovision.

More commercials, more Schwarzkopf. Probably that Virgin commercial that I didn't get last night even though I should have based on the male to female ratio of the ad.

Oh fuck. Jedward. They deserve to be machine-gunned. Why couldn't they have just shown then Slovak twins.

Estonia. It's like the Estonian version of Glee is filming a Eurovision themed episode. Hey they just changed style. Now I see why Julia said it was like a Rock Eisteddfod act.

Belarus. Jets of fire, it's not like someone hasn't done that before *rolls eyes*. If she loves Belarus so much why isn't she singing this in Belarussian? It's one of those pop/traditional music fusions. I know fire usually makes things better, but I've just found an exception to that rule. It does not make this song any better whatsoever. Well we've learned that Anastasia Vinnikova loves Belarus.

Latvia. It's Latvian Justin Bieber, only more tattooed. Now is he saying "Angels in disguise" or "Angels in the skies", or both? I wonder why they're wearing bowties? Did they lose a bet or something?

Denmark. This is some kind of ballad. It's not horrible; the lead singer has silly hair though. Maybe Jedward styled it for him before he went on stage. He's running away, maybe he doesn't want to be there... nope he's change his mind.

Last song is Ireland. Jedward. Go away. I hope this isn't Ireland actually trying to actually copy that episode of Father Ted. Apparently these people are popular in England so I won't be surprised if they get 12 points from the UK.

19 countries many languages. Too bad nearly every song is in English.

Will Stefan Raab redefine the second again tonight? Find out after we see snippets of all the songs again.

Things that don't go together. Or Stefan Raab puts his foot in his mouth.

And now we get to see classical break dancing. Watching this makes me wonder if ballet was originally break dancing for that generation that became gentrified. The techno sound does make it better. Just the piano gives the impression that these guys are trying to do ballet and failing at it. Now they really are just showing us ballet. Got to admit they are talented though. The famous Toccata and Fugue in D minor, too bad they added a bunch of rubbish when there are plenty of good versions of it around. And now they're done.

More Big 5 stuff. Did I just see Johnny Depp in the Spanish clip? Italy is crap, which is sad considering the type of music, and Lena is singing a song that I'm sure she knows she isn't going to win.

Estonian glee is through. Romania. Well it was catchy. Moldova? Really? But their hats are so pointy. Ireland. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKK!!!!! Bosnia and Herzegovina. Good on them. Denmark. Not really surprising. Austria. God. Ukraine. More sand tomorrow. And now for the second runner up Slovenia. Which I could see would get through. And that means our Miss Eurovision Semi Final 2 winner is Sweden. Which is expected since that's what they do.

So it look like Israel won't be getting easy points from Germany and although Anastasia Vinnikova loves Belarus it turns out Europe doesn't.

Eurovision Semi Final 1

This is a post I wrote when Blogger wasn't working. So I'm posting it now, after copying it from Word. Europeans would have seen this on Wednesday but Australia shows them a day later, so I'll know the final result before actually seeing the final, which I probably only will when I get my hands on the UK version because I prefer Graham Norton's commentary.

So without further ado I present to you my thoughts of the first semi final taken as I thought them up on the spot:

Poland are somewhat ok. It does make me regret not having any alcohol but I don’t really have the time this weekend to have a hangover.

Norway song sounded like a crappy version of that Lady Gaga song that rips off that Madonna song. Only with more Swahili.

I seem to have missed Albania. It says a lot about how good the song was.

Armenia’s song is ok. Very mainstream pop. I see that the singer happens to have dressed to emphasise certain err... traits that

Turkey. My back is to the TV and still it sounds like Green Day on anti-depressants. Now I turn around and I see a contortionist in a cage. That’s something that I expect the Ukraine to do. I already knew that they wouldn’t make it into the next round and I see why. I started ignoring them so I’ve missed the big bird that Sam and Julia were talking about afterwards.

On to the commercials. So this is the first break. I’m going to get sick of seeing the same commercials over and over again. I will see the Schwartzkopf ad over and over again. I probably will watch the show where they send Australians to countries like Iraq so they can see what the asylum seekers are leaving.

Serbia have managed to create the ultimate snark-proof song. There is pretty much nothing that you can say that demeans this song. It’s quite good for Eurovision but most of the last 5 songs are crap. The colours probably aren’t good if you’re epileptic.

Russia. I hate this song already. I don’t know how it managed to get through.

Switzerland. Nice way for the Germans to show that their neighbour has 4 official languages. I have no idea what this song is about. I heard the start of a better, more popular song, and then I just started listening to the tune. The background was brought to you by Paper Mario.

Georgia. One more day? For what? Making a good song? Not a horrid song, but here comes the rapping guy. Like that’s going to win.

Finland. Our Aussie commentators are referring to Lordi. How Lordi will this be? Not very so far. I think this guy was supposed to be entered last year, when everyone else was doing songs like this.

Malta. I think they managed to pick up Greece’s song for this year on the cheap.

San Marino. Another ballad that I already know doesn’t get through. I don’t care so I’ve stopped listening. That’s probably why it didn’t get through.

Croatia. The guy has a stupid hat. Sam Pang said that it would get people playing drinking games really drunk. So let’s see. Costume change, I think that was a wave to a camera, costume change, I think I’ve missed the half-octave key change too.

Iceland. It’s an entry for a country that has no money. It might work in a song contest that isn’t Eurovision, or a bluegrass competition, or a jazz competition, or a country competition or probably any music competition at all.

More commercials. Did they just dub over the sexy girl in the Schwartzkopf ad? Oh well they’ve got a few different ads so I’m not going to go crazy like I did during the World Cup with that QANTAS ad with the Enya song.

They’re interviewing people. What is the Russian guy bad at? Singing? It’s singing right? Right?

Hungary. She’s like a bad transvestite. Now if this was the Romanian entry I could probably have made some Rocky Horror references. I have no idea what the song was though.

Portugal. It’s last year’s song because it’s very colourful except that it’s crappy even by Eurovision standards. It probably belongs in a children’s show, but would you let your kids watch a show with a guy who looks like a 70’s porn star? I think that this group was probably the only band that Portugal could afford.

Lithuania. I don’t mind this song. It’s something that you’d hear in a musical. However I don’t think the song alone will be the reason that she gets through.

Azerbaijan. They tried very hard last year. This year I don’t think they did.

Greece. I went into this song expecting crap and got something that wasn’t as crap as I expected. It doesn’t mean that it’s a good song though.

Oh, they’re playing the big 5. Spain are ok it seems. France is very operatic. Italy have some kind of Michael Buble guy who can’t sing in English. UK = boyband. Germany has Lena again, only not as fun and quirky.

Ooh, Jan Ola Sand I don’t really care, especially I’m going to see him tomorrow and on Sunday when they finally play the final over here.

Serbia. Not surprised. Lithuania. Not surprised. Greece. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Azerbaijan. Not surprised. Georgia. Not surprised. Switzerland? Really? But I’m sure that they just nicked some other song. Hungary. Eh, I think this is the start of the “not quite as crap as the other crap songs. Finland. Bugger. Russia. I’m sure there were less crap songs then this one. Padding for 10. And it’s... Iceland. But they’re pretty bad, but then again if Russia could get in then I guess there is nothing stopping Iceland.

I must say that Julia and Sam are getting better at this. I must find somewhere where I can watch their finals performance in it's entirety.

Eurovision Commentators: Aus v. UK.

I finally managed to get the UK version of the contest downloaded. Yes. It took me this long.

Thanks Telstra, if you hadn't continuously told my ISP that "the exchange was full" I would have a 2 Mbit connection and I would have gotten it about two days after the contest.

But enough about Sol Trujillo's former company.

The reason I'm writing this is because I'm waiting for some dictionaries to download, so I can't do the work I want to do, and I figured the Eurovision would keep me awake.

Australia sent their own people this year because Terry Wogan left and apparently SBS has something against Graham Norton. We sent Julia Zemiro and Sam Pang. The only really enjoyable thing was that they were wearing shirts that said "Terry Wogan isn't here anymore" and "Yes, we miss him too".

To be honest they weren't really any good. I'm finding Graham Norton far funnier, you're still hearing somewhat snide remarks from him about the other countries, and he can be genuinely funny (probably because he's a comedian...).

So Graham Norton wins.

Alexander Rybak Borked

Ok, like many people who watched the Eurovision, I didn't mind the Norwegian entry. Considering the standards of Eurovision it was actually very good. I'm guessing it's because he wrote his own song, so it would be to his standards and not to Eurovision standards. I've posted a video of his entry below:




Unfortunately after I heard him say some stuff in Norwegian at the end, all I could think of was the Swedish Chef from the muppets. I know that firstly, the Swedish Chef isn't real and neither is his language, and secondly that Sweden isn't Norway, but real Swedish and Norwegian sound similar.

Yet I couldn't shake it. I kept on thinking about it so much that I used the Bork Bork Bork! add-on and went to a lyrics site and used it. This is my result:

Yeers egu, vhee I ves yuoonger
I keend a leeked, a gurl I knoo
She-a ves meene-a und ve-a vere-a sveet heerts
Thet ves zeen, boot zeen it's trooe-a
I'm in lufe-a veet a feurytele-a
Ifee thuoogh it hoorts
Coose-a I dun't cere-a iff I luse-a my meend,
I'm elreedy coorsed

Ifery dey ve-a sterted feeghting
Ifery neeght ve-a fell in lufe-a
Nu oone-a ilse-a cuoold meke-a me-a sedder
Boot nu oone-a ilse-a cuoold leefft me-a heegh ebofe-a
I dun't knoo vhet I ves dueeng
Vhee sooddenly ve-a fell epert
Nooedeys I cunnut feend her
Boot vhee I du ve'll get a brund noo stert
I'm in lufe-a veet a feurytele-a
Ifee thuoogh it hoorts
Coose-a I dun't cere-a iff I luse-a my meend,
I'm elreedy coorsed

She's a feurytele-a yeeh
Ifee thuoogh it hoorts
coose-a I dun't cere-a iff I luse-a my meend,
I'm elreedy coorsed

It does actually sort of work, if you sang the song with those lyrics.